Holidays and Boundaries

Wintertime with all the family holidays and other social gatherings is very likely to increase our exposure to the diet-talk, fat phobic comments and even personal attacks, if you happen to be the “fat” one. Of course, all of this comes wrapped up in the sickly cheerful paper of “concern for your health”.

Sometimes we can simply avoid family visits or family members that trigger our shame, anger or worse, a sudden urge to try yet another diet, just to fit in with the societal expectations. Other times we grind our teeth and survive the cruel body-shaming feast at the table, to maintain these otherwise important relationships.

Personally, I have simply chosen not to interact much with those family members or friends who persistently fat shame or can’t stop their diet-talk. Despite avoiding such interactions, from time to time, I still face a random fat phobic post on my personal FB page or a self-depreciating weight comment from a work college. The question then arises, how do I react? Or more broadly, how can we react in the way that protects our well-being without destroying the relationships we want to keep?

One of the most important tools in my coaching toolbox is creating and enforcing personal boundaries. Boundaries are extremely important in both intra- and inter-personal interactions. Boundaries allow us to live according to our most important values, without compromising on our mental health and without losing important relationships. But boundaries can also be misunderstood so let’s review a few of common myths about this topic.

Myth 1: Boundaries must be communicated to be respected

We can look at boundaries as the strongest shield in the arsenal of the tools that we can use for self-protection. First level of such protection is simply communicating our needs – for example, stating that we need to feel safe and respected in our social interactions. Making requests typically comes as the second step – as in, let’s not talk about diets while enjoying Christmas dinner (or whatever other family meal you are about to have). Both needs and requests obviously need to be communicated so others can choose to either respect those needs and requests or not.

Boundaries, on the other hand, do not need to be expressed. It is possible to state them of course, for example: “If you continue talking about your diet at the table, I will choose to eat my meal in another room or kitchen”. Often though, communicating boundaries is neither necessary nor even safe in certain situations. We can simply leave the table as soon as the diet-talk starts without explaining to anyone the reason for it.

Myth 2: Boundaries cannot be enforced

Since boundaries are about your own limits and your own behaviors in response to someone else’s actions, they can certainly be enforced. You can simply walk away from conversations you do not want to participate in. You can stop interacting with people who do not honor your requests or ignore your needs. There are always consequences when your boundary is crossed – regardless or whether other people judge your boundary to be reasonable!

Myth 3: Boundaries are ultimatums

Sometimes boundaries may sound like ultimatums, but the main difference is that you are not asking anyone to take any unreasonable action. If I do not wish to talk about my weight or diet during dinner conversations and others are very much into talking about their newest lifestyle change, I can simply walk away from such conversations. There is hope that eventually the conversation topic will change on its own even if I do not state by disinterest in participating in it.

If I insisted, however, that instead of talking about diets, we spend the entire evening talking about philosophy (a topic I particularly like to chat about), and warn anyone that if they don’t want to chat about my favorite topic, I will leave the table – well, that’s just a little bit unreasonable, isn’t it? A couple of additional examples of ultimatums vs. boundaries can be found below:

Ultimatum:

– If you don’t buy me the chocolate when you go shopping for food, I will not talk to you for the rest of the day. (unreasonable)

Boundary:

– If you make weight-related comments when I eat my chocolate treat, I will choose not to enjoy it in your presence. (reasonable)

Ultimatum:

– If you continue to eat a vegan diet, I will never invite you for dinner because everyone should eat meat at my table. (unreasonable)

Boundary:

– If you make derogatory comments during the dinner, because I choose to eat meat, I will not be able to invite you to dinner anymore. (reasonable)

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If you decide to state your boundaries verbally, it can be useful to try out a more lighthearted approach first. Ironic: “diets, my favorite topic, not!” may do the trick. If your hint is not really understood, you can make a direct request without any stated consequences to keep the mood positive. However, if this also doesn’t work, you may need to state these consequences. In that case, describe what your needs and feelings are, before making a request and explaining the consequences.

Setting boundaries takes practice – and if you have never done it before, it can feel very uncomfortable. But be brave and start today, to ensure that your holidays and social gatherings are as pleasant and cheerful as possible.

Need more resources?

I can highly recommend reading the Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg to learn useful communication skills when dealing with interpersonal relationships. If working with a coach is something you could benefit from, do not hesitate to reach out to me. Happy Holidays 🎁