Who would you (rather) be…?

We are all swimming in the culture that tries extremely hard, and mostly succeeds, to convince us that we must meet certain standards to be acceptable. These can be performance standards, appearance norms, social standing, economic status, IQ levels and so many more. If we internalize these cultural messages, we spend a lot of time attempting to not only meet the external expectations but also our own. Many of us, especially women I think, get entangled in this “perfectionism” trap.

As our self-expectations continue to rise, our frustration, self-criticism and hopelessness increase as well. We fight our bodies and minds to achieve tokens of cultural acceptance. As the time passes, we invest more of it in the striving to achieve our chosen “ideal” state. It can be explained to a high degree by our human nature of engaging in the status games – here, I can highly recommend reading The Status Game by Will Storr.

But we do have a choice! We can choose which status games we are willing to play and which we will quit. Hence, today’s question: Who would you (rather) be…?

• Would you rather spend your time working in a job that is meaningful to you, or just earn lots of money in a job that does not fit with your values?
• Would you rather spend your time working out and controlling your food to make sure your body fits the current cultural ideal, or just enjoy intuitive eating and mindful movement that brings joy, pleasure and is kind to your body?
• Would you rather worry about making a perfect three course dinner for your guests to impress them, or enjoy the time having an interesting conversation over an easy take-out meal instead?
• Would you rather spend an hour or more in front of the mirror trying out all the sexy outfits, or pick one that is comfortable and find out if the person you are dating will judge you solely on your looks?

The above list is obviously not even close to being all inclusive. But I hope that you get a picture.

There are certain areas of life, where we can feel accomplished, fulfilled and satisfied without the need to sacrifice our physical, mental and emotional well-being. We could, for example, pursue our interests. We could find meaning in helping the world to become a better place in whichever line of work or study we wish to engage in. We could spend more time connecting with other people through meaningful conversations. All of these, without the constant worry about being perfect, the best, or the most accomplished.

I spent too much time pursuing certain goals – a thinner body, a corporate career I did not care much about, a friend / partner who would find me interesting or attractive enough. Eventually, I decided to let go of all that perfectionism and all that external validation. I cannot claim I have done it alone of course – that’s why meditation teachers, psychotherapists and other helping professional are so crucial in this process. Many of them might still have an unconscious fat bias as they also swim in the diet culture – but fortunately, it is increasingly easier to find weight-neutral, body positive / fat inclusive providers as more of us have rejected the weight-centric paradigm of health.

One of my favorite anti-diet dieticians, a writer and a podcaster, Christy Harrison says that the pursuit of thinness is a “life thief” and I fully agree with that assessment! Instead of pursuing important life goals in our all too short lives, we can easily fall into the trap of chasing after whatever current success signs are. Sometimes I wonder who I would have become if I did not internalize the societal fatphobia and if I did not waste so much of my life trying to achieve “acceptable” looks. But I only know one thing: I wish I have discovered the anti-diet, body positivity, fat acceptance, intuitive eating and Health At Every Size much earlier!