One of my favourite coaching / therapy tools, inspired to a high degree by cognitive behavioural therapy is The Work of Byron Katie. I like its simplicity and that it is free to use by anyone on a smartphone app. I think that it is particularly powerful when combined with the RAIN practice of Tara Brach. They can be both described as mindfulness tools, where one seems to focus more on the cognitive (mind) while the other on the somatic (body) aspect of our being.
I have previously written about traumatic experiences and why looking at a person’s history is important before anyone should attempt any kind of healing. As we grow up, we learn various ways of coping with painful events in our lives. Many of us will internalize the societal messages of not being good enough or worthy enough with the usual symptoms of perfectionism, workaholism, addictions and other controlling behaviours. The difficulty of changing our beliefs about ourselves lies in the fact that we are often not fully aware of these beliefs in the first place.
We might think that we have a problem of being addicted to sugar, for example, because we are using this behavioural coping mechanism to deal with our emotions on a regular basis. Instead of investigating what those emotions are, we decide to cut out sugar from our diets completely. This physical, as well as emotional, restriction eventually leads us to binge on sugary foods trapping us in the binge-restrict cycle of dieting. We become completely convinced that we are addicted to sugar. The strong belief of sugar addiction is born.
It takes a lot of courage to turn to the mindfulness tools of RAIN and The Work and recognize what is actually happening in our own experience. Looking at our raw emotions can be scary, if our main coping mechanism is to suppress and ignore these emotions – a mechanism we usually learn when we are children. This is why it is highly advisable to seek assistance from a mental health practitioner, especially if one has experienced high levels of trauma before attempting to uncover one’s emotional wounds.
If you wish to try out the methods mentioned above, there are many free resources available online that can get you started. Here’s a longer video explaining The Work, and another one for RAIN practice. You can start by thinking of a specific situation that will trigger an emotional response – preferably starting with one that is not overwhelming you emotionally. We start by noticing our emotional reaction because that’s usually the clue to our underlying beliefs.
One example of a situation, taken directly from poor body image experiences I and many other women likely experience on the daily basis, would be trying on clothes in the front of the mirror. We might look at our reflection and feel “fat” (which of course is not a feeling, but we will use it in our further investigation anyway). Once we have noticed that we are not feeling so great, we might use the RAIN practice to recognize that an emotion is happening, allow it to stay as it is, without trying to change it, and investigate where we feel that emotion in our body.
After a while, we might start noticing thoughts that are surrounding our emotional state. These thoughts are typically reinforcing our emotions so it might be a good idea to note them down and work with them using The Work method. Perhaps, our first thought is: “I look fat in this dress”. That thought is our belief, and we can continue working with it by asking the questions you can find in The Work app (or the downloadable worksheets in DOWNLOADS on The Work website).
In the example of belief: “I look fat in this dress”, I might decide that it is not an “absolute truth” because “fat” is a subjective descriptor and one person might describe me as fat, while another would not. It is then possible for me to notice that this belief makes me feel miserable and I am avoiding going out because of it. This thought also causes me to remember being bullied and laughed at in my childhood. I feel sadness and anger, and instead of going out to socialize and have fun with my friends, I find myself in front of tv binging on snacks while promising myself to start another diet on Monday. Sounds familiar, anyone?
Sometimes in the middle of The Work, when we are asked how we feel when we believe our thought, it is good to go back to RAIN practice. In particular, the last step of rain: Nurture may be helpful before we proceed. As we stay present with our difficult feelings, we can give ourselves the compassion we need at this painful moment. Self-compassion might include a gentle touch and self-assuring thoughts which is an excellent transition to the next part of The Work.
So, what happens when I investigate my belief further? I realize that I am extremely self-judgmental and self-critical, and I would never treat any of my friends in the same way. I would most likely tell them that they look pretty in that dress! Without the belief that I look fat in that dress, I would be happy going out to meet my friends and would not feel like a failure. I decide to turnaround the belief to: “I look pretty in that dress” and find at least three good reasons for believing that thought:
- That dress has a beautiful colour that suits my complexion
- It fits me really well – it is neither too tight nor too baggy
- It made me smile and I look pretty with a smile on my face regardless of the size of my body
Most of the time, once we have discovered and worked with one belief, another disturbing and unhelpful thought arises. Whatever that new belief is, we can continue working with it in the same way, until we find peace again. It is remarkable how many of our thoughts are in fact beliefs and how few of them can be proven to be “absolutely” true. We might believe that they are true, but when investigated, they turn out to be only “our” beliefs. As our beliefs will shape our behaviours, there is no better way to change our behaviours than changing our beliefs.
Do you have some strong beliefs that affect you negatively? Would you like to try out the RAIN and The Work methods with me? If so, do not hesitate to reach out to schedule a free call with me to get a taste of these mindfulness tools.
I am currently working on designing a free online course that would be available for everyone who perhaps cannot afford paid services and to introduce my coaching tools to a broader audience. You can share what topics you would most like to learn about in a free course by filling out this form. Thank you!
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