We are informed by multiple studies that loneliness and social isolation pose a greater risk to our health than smoking (or the dreaded “obesity”). Yet especially if we happen to live in a larger body, we often avoid social situations. We may even be petrified of connecting with other human beings as we are afraid of their judgements and opinions. Today I feel a great need to share my personal story of loneliness and how I have found the courage to re-connect with people who share my interests and can provide the support I need in my life.
We will begin at the point, where I started to withdraw from friends and family. I was about eleven or twelve years old when I realized that I do not belong to any of my social circles. Children at school were mainly bullying me for being the fat kid. I felt I could not share the pain it caused me with my family, as they were always primarily focused on anything that was “wrong” with me – which was typically my weight, grades at school and behavior. Despite not getting support I needed, I was still hopeful and managed to have a few friends, who I could talk to about books and art – my main interests at the time.
I managed to survive my high school in Poland and my university education in a foreign country – by having a one, or maximum two friends I could talk to. I would not be fully vulnerable with those friends though. I would not dare to talk about things that were difficult to me in fear of losing these friendships. When I once allowed the pain of a messy break-up to pour out of my wounded heart, one of these two precious friends became distant and eventually that connection was broken. When I shared my sadness of being lonely, one of my old childhood friends has responded by telling me to lose weight as no one will want to have a “fat” girlfriend.
Therefore, at the same time when I graduated with honors from the university, I also decided that people were cruel, judgmental, and self-absorbed. I decided that I was too different, too fat, too nerdy, and certainly too sensitive to belong to any social circle out there. With time, I became even more isolated as I moved countries and lost connections with co-workers and other acquaintances. I had been living that way, completely alone in my consecutive apartments for about ten years. My life’s focus was on work and learning and I was spending a substantial time binge-watching Netflix and bingeing on comfort foods to drown out the sadness and loneliness in my heart.
What a miserable story, isn’t it? Let me tell you something even more tragic. As I was copying with my emotions with food and Netflix instead of reaching out to people who could potentially support me, my mom suddenly passed away. It was unexpected and shocking. The grief was overwhelming. You see, even though I felt alienated from everyone around me, I was getting closer to my mother at that time.
During my years of loneliness, I discovered Intuitive Eating and Health at Every Size and started the process of healing from my disordered eating. As an adult, I was finally able to set healthier boundaries with my family and no longer allowed them to comment on my appearance, weight or eating. So, it was finally possible for me at that time to open up and be more vulnerable with my mother. Then, I suddenly lost that connection, which many would argue is the strongest connection we can ever have with anyone.
Today I believe that loss has saved me from continuing my lonely journey. Perhaps I would have left my protective shell and re-connected with humanity either way. I will never know for sure. Still, the reflections about my mother’s too short of a life filled with loneliness, depression, and disordered eating have helped me shape my new resolve of not repeating her mistakes. You see, my mom also had no friends and spent most of her free time playing Solitaire on her laptop while sitting in front of the TV every day.
Even though I decided to go out and find some people who would accept me, it was not at all easy for me to do. I still did not feel acceptable, so I was anxious and nervous and fully convinced that I will fail to make any meaningful connections. So, I started small – signed up to meetup.com and joined some groups. Eventually, one that was meeting to play board games arranged an in-person event and I decided to show up. For some minutes I stood in front of the café where we were meeting, uncertain if I gather the courage to step in and meet new people. I am so glad I talked myself into opening that door and joining the fun. And the rest, as they say is history…
I started dating and met my husband. In addition to attending events, I started organizing my own groups and built several wonderful and supportive communities in Copenhagen. I went out with friends and invited them to parties and dinners at my place. I made more connections and more friendships in the last 10 years of my life than in the previous 30! It is a myth that it is not possible to find friends or make new connections when you are an adult – if anything, it seems to be much easier and definitely more fulfilling!
You might not agree with my last statement so let me convince you. The friendships we make when we are young are purely based on the proximity – these are kids and young people we meet at school or in the neighborhood. As we get older, some of our friendships come from our workplaces but they often disappear when we change jobs. Most of these school or work friendships are not based on common interests or values, so they provide little support. If anything, we can get convinced like I did that people are cruel, judgmental, and self-absorbed.
When we find people who share our beliefs and have common interests, we are more likely to build a circle of friends we can feel vulnerable with and therefore feel we finally belong. These kinds of connections can offer us support for the rest of our lives and we can get a full benefit from having strong social bonds to our mental, emotional, and even physical health. The first step of getting out there is the most difficult one, but once we take that step, we will likely find the acceptance, compassion, and friendships we long for. Are you a bit anxious of how others might perceive you? Watch this video – it is a good reminder why we should not care so much about what others might think of us.
Real life connections are of course the most valuable ones, but if we are not yet ready to face people in person, we can first join some communities on social networks. Here I mention some of the Facebook groups I belong to that are supporting fat acceptance, Intuitive Eating and HAES for example. My favorite way of finding real-life connections is also through interest groups – and the two platforms that make it easy to find people with similar interests in your area could be Meetup and Internations. Don’t be like me – don’t wait for something tragic to finally give you the courage to connect with others – get out there today and shine!
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