Rest & Digest 😋

Have you ever asked yourself why it is sometimes so difficult to take time to rest? I have noticed my inability to take breaks and rest properly a long time ago – probably around the time I moved to Denmark. Having spent most of my work life up to that point in the US and the UK, I was naturally soaking their work ethic of high productivity and poor work-life balance. But, after arriving in the more relaxed society, where 7.5-hour workdays mean most of my colleagues were out of the office by 4 PM, I realized that I had a problem.

At first, I thought that it was purely the need to prove myself as a superior worker to convince everyone that despite being a foreigner I deserve to live in this country. I think it is a common behavior for foreigners in any country – trying to show the locals that it’s OK to allow the “scary” immigrants to enter their “perfect” societies. Working hard for long hours and with few breaks made me feel “worthy” of staying here despite lacking any cultural belonging or language skills.

Still, I did not feel I could belong. I felt isolated and increasingly overworked. Finally, I hit the wall and had a full-blown job burn-out in 2021. I returned for more psychotherapy and renewed my commitment to mindfulness meditation. I started taking care of my psychological well-being and allowing for more rest. Sometimes it is necessary to reach that bottom, to feel so exhausted that you cannot do anything else but stop.

However, breaking to a full stop from going full speed is dangerous too. Sure, being unemployed and having a couple of months to take care of oneself can be nice. Unfortunately, it does not really teach you how to change the “normal” pattern of behavior, which for me was to work to exhaustion almost every day. So, when I returned to full-time work, I repeated all the same mistakes. On workdays, I would take few breaks, stare at the computer screen for too many hours, and sometimes even work outside working hours. On my days off I would get hit by migraine attacks, which would put me out of commission for at least three days. Rinse and repeat. I have learnt nothing!

Recently I have started putting these puzzle pieces together. Intense work + inability to relax and rest = more migraines and complete shutdowns of all activity. I reduced my work week hours to 30 per week and allowed myself a full day of rest each Wednesday. It has helped a little in managing my migraine attacks, but it still uses the go-no go dichotomy. Instead, I badly need to find a way to pace myself. Take breaks, work less intensely, take time away from the screen. For me, to take a proper rest is to first accept that my “worth” is not measured in how productive I am.

I can draw upon the experiences from my fat acceptance journey. It was just as “normal” for me to measure my worthiness by the number of the scale. It was just as “normal” to prove that I am a “good fatty” by exercising and dieting. I thought that I would finally fit in and belong when I talked about the pursuit of health and the hard work it requires. Once I recognized that my body does not have to “deserve” a good treatment based on how it looks or how it “performs”, I was finally able to free myself from the trap of diet culture. Now it is time for me to free myself from the trap of the “hustle” culture – one in which productivity is a measure of our human worth.

I vow to no longer pretend to be a “good worker”. One that is always responsive and willing to work overtime. One that never says “no” to more meetings or more responsibilities. One that responds to emails or chats after work hours. One that sits for hours in front of the screen with too few breaks. I plan to be an “average” worker from now on – to take more breaks, use up my holidays, and quit jobs when my “no” is not heard and respected. I feel very privileged that I have this option as I live in a society generally supporting a healthy work-life balance.

It is so much easier to set these boundaries when only facing diet culture! There are simply fewer negative consequences of saying “no” to another diet. The safety of having an income is unlikely to be affected, so allowing your body to send you signals of when and what to eat is so very much simpler. Taking a walk instead of a run that your body despised costs you probably nothing. Any physical activity brings benefits so why not move in a way that brings you joy?

Yes, if your size changes because your weight was artificially suppressed through dieting and exercise (or inflated due to all the bingeing you did in response to the restriction), you may have to invest in some new clothes. You may also need to connect to new friends, learn how to set healthy boundaries and take care of yourself in new ways.

When I was taking my coaching certification, my mentor Isabel Foxen-Duke has shared a similar story of her own. It seems that once we disconnect our worth from attaining a certain body-size, we will notice how it gets entangled in a new area of life such as work or family. Being the “best mom” or having a “successful” career may become our new indicators of self-worth and belonging with the rest of humanity. One can only pursue to untangle them one by one, until one’s value is less attached to external sources of validation. With that our nervous systems can rediscover and remain longer in the rest and digest mode, repairing the damage caused by the chronic stress of unworthiness.