The scariest thing

Most of my life I have been driven by fear. This motivation to avoid danger, to avoid isolation, to avoid sadness, to avoid loneliness, to avoid judgement, to avoid any kind of smaller of bigger trouble – was the main reason for everything I have accomplished. Indeed, I even feel an overwhelming fear when I try to assess how much that fear has created my life for me!

That’s the scariest thing in mindfulness and intuitive living in general. Once you start noticing what is happening inside of you, you cannot un-notice. Oh, you may very well try – find another addictive behavior, another distraction, another “goal” to accomplish – just to avoid this discomfort. It is not pleasant at all this allowing all the emotions to enter your consciousness. It is not pleasant to allow all the pain to finally be felt. It is not pleasant to encounter your own internal critic and its cruel judgements.

I believe this is the main reason why so many people have real difficulty in meditation. It’s not only about the fact that their minds are scattered, and they seem unable to focus the mind on the so called “object” of meditation. It’s not that the sitting for x minutes is boring. It’s not that they see no benefits immediately (although it is likely that the benefits take longer to emerge). No. I think most people are terrified of what they can discover in their own minds, bodies and emotions. Because looking at yourself in the mirror (whether physical or metaphorical one) seems to be the scariest thing.

In Intuitive Eating circles, I hear the same kind of “fear” arising in anyone attempting the diet recovery. At first, most people experience a honeymoon phase of eating whatever they want. It’s exhilarating and pleasurable! Like a beginner meditator who finds home in their breath, bodies or senses – a beginner Intuitive Eater finds comfort in food. However, after some time, one stands in front of that dreaded mirror. One sees the changes – perhaps in the size of the body, perhaps in the disillusionment of achieving nirvana. The fear is triggered: what if my body will not stop changing? What if I am wasting the valuable time sitting on the cushion instead of achieving something great with my life?

This encounter with our fear is when the final choice is made. Some of us will face it head on. We will work with our beliefs which are often just internalized social messaging. That diet culture that tells us that we must avoid being fat, at all costs. That hustle culture that tells us that we must avoid being lazy, at all costs. That culture of scarcity where we must prove our worthiness to feel belonging and love., at all costs. Those of us who disentangle our true values and beliefs from those implicit messages are going to persevere and see the benefits. The benefits of Intuitive Eating being peace with food and our bodies. The benefits of mindfulness meditation being peace with our minds and the world.

Of course, for everyone who finds that peace, there are countless others who don’t. They allow the fake fears to drive them – sometimes until the end of their lives. My late eighty-year-old grandmother talking about her ugliness was not an exception. My late, barely sixty-year-old mother on constant diets who pursued thinness instead of taking care of her heart issues by quitting smoking was not an exception. I do want to be that exception! I do not want the fears instilled in me by the culture to drive my decisions for the rest of my life. How about you?

Busy days for me in the past two months, so I prioritize rest and re-energizing these days. If you struggle, however, and wish to reach out to someone, you are most welcome to contact me. May our decisions and lives never be driven by fears alone. May we all find much better inspiration for what we wish to accomplish. In the meantime, let’s take time to slow down, relax, listen to our bodies and minds. That’s all we ever really must do to find our way.