We are social beings; we all need to belong. We literally get ill from loneliness, and we heal by reconnecting to others. I have experienced this phenomenon many times in my own life, as I am sure, most of us did. Even the most introverted of us, those who balance their energy by hiding away from social noise, even they have this basic need to belong.
I used to think that I was perfectly fine by myself. I felt I did not belong anywhere. I was too eccentric for any groups that naturally form in our lives. Too nerdy to bond with school kids, too moody and anxious for a student life. Too unattractive for love connections, too overwhelming and clingy for friendships. This set of deeply held beliefs made me stay in hermit mode for too many years. I was deluding myself, that I am completely happy alone, with my books and my cats to keep me company.
Today I know that even if we really are a bit odd or unusual and we don’t exactly fit into our surroundings, we all still belong. We belong to life, to the planet, and to all living beings. This includes other humans who also look for the same belonging. We simply need to get out there and find those people who will accept and love us for who we are. Sometimes this means that we first need to learn how to accept and love ourselves. But even this healing rarely happens without opening our hearts to others – even if that only means that one trusted other, a psychologist, a friend, a family member.
It is very difficult to be vulnerable like this, so it is usually best to start slowly. I first decided to leave the relative “safety” of my loneliness, by finding people with similar interests to spend time with. Simple things really; playing boardgames, reading and discussing books, going for walks. Eventually, I started organizing these groups myself, and, most importantly, I started sharing my vulnerabilities with some of my new friends. I quickly discovered that I was not alone in my feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. I was not alone and we are not alone, not at all!
Since then, I have made many new friends, met my husband, and found supportive communities. My need for belonging has been satisfied and some of the deep psychological wounds have healed. I have learned many helpful tools to deal with false beliefs, emotional turmoil, as well as physical pain. That’s why I try to share it with everyone I meet in person or online – that’s why I am still writing even if not many will read. I have released any expectations of “saving” the world from the “delusions” it holds on to so tightly. The world, including us all in it, must find it’s way – for some it will be, like for me, through mindfulness, through acceptance, and through compassion.
The first step on this road though must be expressing ourselves our loud. Hearing ourselves speak our truth. Finding those who will listen. Some will reject us and our truth – the same way as we often rejected parts of ourselves. Some will never understand – as we not always understood ourselves. But there will be those who will hear, who will accept, and who will understand. They will simply respond with “me too”.
I could write so much about this subject, but others have already done it so well. If you are interested in more inspiration or need some more convincing, I can highly recommend two of my favourite reads on this subject:
- You Belong by Sebene Selassie, and
- Lost Connections by Johann Hari
As always, if you just want to connect or chat, you can find me on FB, write me an email, or simply schedule a free online chat. Despite the usual busyness of life, I will always find time to connect.
AGGA Coaching 
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