First times can be challenging but also very exciting. Whatever we do for the first time has an element of uncertainty – even if we practiced it in our minds, visualized, or even received encouragement from others that we can do this. There is always a possibility of failure. We might not achieve what we set out to do. We might fall short. We might feel disappointed with the result. Yet, the first time is also when we are most hopeful. We envision great things and imagine how our lives will look after we do what we decided to try doing for the first time.
Dieting and weight loss have a lot of that same allure. The first time you are pursuing your lofty weight ideal (usually much lower than your natural weight set point), there is so much excitement and hope. The motivation is high and restrictions in food intake seem almost easy. You might see the weight dropping as if by magic – your body reacting to this self-imposed “famine” by eating its own tissues. All is great… until… one day… the weight no longer decreases. What do you then?
Do you look at your own behaviours, trying to find out what “mistake” you have made? Do you feel guilty because you suddenly remember that one time when you have “binged” on some birthday cake? Do you judge yourself a “failure” for not reaching your goal? The more you answer yes to these questions, the more likely you are to enter a new phase of the war with your own body. We call this the binge-restrict cycle.
The first time your “diet” or “wellness program” fails, you may simply feel that you cover the disappointment and shame by comfort eating. But it does not matter whether you call it emotional eating or overeating, it is simply a natural response to restriction. Imagine a rubber that has been stretched beyond its ability to keep the shape any longer. It must snap back (or break altogether in the most extreme cases!). When it snaps back, it goes beyond its original form. That is what binge-restrict cycle feels like.
You try the “diet” or “wellness program” for the second time, imposing the similar restriction again. Your body got smarter and quicker to react though. It does not feel as easy to lose weight anymore. Another binge starts with just one day “off the wagon” and you promise yourself to start “dieting” tomorrow again. It continues, until one day you break off from the cycle. The only way to end it is to stop restricting, which may be the scariest thing to do. So, you bravely stop restricting, despite those around you calling you weak. A new dilemma arises: how can you trust yourself around food, when you are now feeling so out of control around it?
The healing process starts with a healthier relationship with your body. It may sound cliché but so many of us have lost the connection we have to our bodies. Whenever I need a reminder of why I am no longer pursuing weight loss of any kind, I recall the abhorrent values of our culture – the 3 Ps:
- Productivity – we look at our bodies through the lens of their ability to be productive for as long as possible. We are supposed to stay healthy and fit (all the workplace wellness programs are designed to help us in that respect). Yet, we disconnect from wise signals from our bodies (like hunger, thirst, need for rest) showing off how “busy” and “productive” we are. We are almost always on the run, and we are almost always surrounded by distracting technology that we can no longer keep up with. We leave our bodies and their natural needs behind.
- Perfectionism – we look at our bodies through the lens of their adherence to certain perfect ideals. It is often ideals of appearance, fitness, health etc. We are taught to control the body to adhere to certain shape, size, and look. Unfortunately, no one might have ever told us that we are enough – so we continue to be the never-ending improvement project.
- Patriarchy – especially women look at their bodies through the lens of fitting in the culture where the power is not equally distributed across all genders. The body shame around natural body processes (digestion, menstruation, aging just to name the few!) as well as the use of the body for gaining power are just some of the sad effects.
Although serious trauma also has a huge impact on dissociation from the body, even the normal stressful life experiences can be very detrimental. Connecting to those experiences through our bodies is a necessary step towards healing. I can recommend reading more on the subject in the famous book about trauma “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk. Moreover, if your level of body dissociation is high, traumatic experience may be the reason behind it. In such cases, I strongly recommend finding and working with a trauma informed health professional.
However, if you have not experienced much trauma, you can probably start healing your relationship with the body yourself or with the help of some coaching. There are many methods of working with the body – just to name a few, somatic experiencing, Intuitive Eating, or mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness meditation is my favourite because the mindfulness of the body is only its first foundation. It does not stop at the body but continues to the mindfulness of feelings and thinking. It gives you invaluable insight and teaches you a better (wiser!) way of interpreting and responding to body sensations, feelings, and thoughts.
There are many ways to start mindfulness practice and there are many free resources. Last month I had a pleasure to conduct a 4-week course “Mindfulness Basics for Everyone”, which is now available for purchase as a self-paced video series. You can try the Body Scan meditation from that course completely for free on my YouTube channel.
You can also find similar courses or classes online or in-person. If possible, I would always encourage joining a live or in-person class though. Being part of the community can be helpful in making mindfulness meditation one of your self-care habits. Whatever has caused you to disconnect and lose trust in yourself and your body, I hope you find your way back. It takes time and perseverance, but the end results (unlike the results of dieting) are truly worth the effort.
Note: If you are looking for more information on Intuitive Eating and mindfulness practice directed towards unwanted eating behaviours, you might be interested my 4-week online course “Overcome Overeating”, which is also currently available for purchase as a self-paced video series.
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